What do do

[parentof2]

I have two kids.  I am originally from georgia.  I have a child in nc from a previous marriage but I have  not seen the child in over 4 years.  I had another child in 2007 by a woman I was dating and we broke up before the child was born.  The mother filed for custody and visitationa nd I didnt get to see my child until the court ordered visitation.  The judge got the impression that I had deserted my child in the basis I didnt think the child was mine, but I admitted in court he is mine.  The judge also got disapppointed becasue I wasnt working at the time because I was a full time student.  The mother has been very difficult.  To date, she has followed the temp order but does not allow me any time other thant the EOW 6-6pm schedule.  I recently called the police when she didnt answer the door when I came for pickup.  But she was outside when teh police arrived and just handed me the child and left.  She recently emailed and asked to meet at a school and also to not bring anyone during the exchange.  I dont think that is fair. I can meet at the school, but I should be able to bring who I want when I show.  She has said she willnot hand me child if someone is there.   I am prepared to call the police if this happens.  Since she is being so difficult during a temp order.  What are my chances for full custody at the next hearing?

[parentof2]

I should also mention that the other child is in md and I am in md as well.  I live about 40 min away from the child

[jimmy eaches]

i am in maryland also and i am here to help. join me at myspace.com/mddadsdeserverights    i do most of my talking there to people.
jimmy eaches

[hadenough40]

Jimmie will probably have some really good advice for you but I'll throw my 2 cents in just the same.

Right now you have a Temp Order in place, correct?  When will this become permanent and how will that happen?

I'm asking because it sounds like your just at the beginning of this thing and will be mediating or negotiating a permanent agreement...is this correct?

If you will be mediating a more permanent agreement that will become an order, my suggestion at the moment is to honor her STUPID request.  But don't just silently agree.  Instead write back to her, confirming that until the two of you meet to set up the parenting plan, "I will temporarily honor your request that we meet at ___ and that I be alone.  However before making this a permanent agreement I will need to better understand what your concerns are with regards to me bringing another family member or friend to our meeting spot.  Perhaps this can be discussed in more detail during (if a mediation is scheduled)".   

Something like this shows that you don't like her idea but you can be reasonable too.

Don't suggest that she do the same...OMG...the earth will swallow you whole.

If you are still at the beginning of this, don't give her any reason to say you are undermining her concerns.  She may not have listed ANY concerns, instead just issued an order, but saying NO flat out will be undermining her concerns...I guarantee that.  And she will be bringing that up in front of anyone that has a part in making a decision about the parenting time you get on permanent basis.

If you are going to mediation on this, that's when YOU bring up her request and find out why and that's when you indicate that you'd like the same courtesy from her...more than likely the mediator will say that you asking that she not bring anyone either is more than fair...she will change her mind.

[jimmy eaches]

i would continue to take someone with you, thats just my opinion. also make it at a public place, gas station,restaurant, somewhere like that. if you choose not to go this route, go buy yourself a hand held recorder and put it in your pocket to record the whole conversation. do not engage in "fighting words" in front of the kids. judges will not like this at all. i repeat, judges will not like this at all. trust me, if you ignore all of her comments, this will piss her off even more. also, have a friend somewhere ekse, but where they can see the exchange and vouge for you if you go to court over this. i hope this helps, join me at myspace.com/mddadsdeserverights

[hadenough40]

Well we have differing opinions about bringing some one, but Jimmie is 100% correct about the recorder and about keeping a calm demeanor...no matter what the ex says or does.

LOL...practice in front of the mirror...

-I'm sorry you feel that way. 
-I will think about what you've said.
-I can't give an answer until I have time to think about it.
-You can call me after (child) goes to bed, so we can talk about this without interuption and without (child) overhearing.

BTW:  our CP hated the last line.  In fact all these years later...she still hates it, but she keeps trying.

I can't stress enough how important it is NOT to react to the ex.  Respond calmly and respectfully but do NOT react...no matter what she does.  The only reaction would be to walk away from her and leave.

You are just at the beginning of this thing and even a harsh tone can make you come off unreasonable.  The CP only needs to bat the big doe eyes and maybe drop a tear or two and you stand to loose alot.

Get a VERY good recorder.

[parentof2]

Jimmie will probably have some really good advice for you but I'll throw my 2 cents in just the same.

Right now you have a Temp Order in place, correct?  When will this become permanent and how will that happen?

I'm asking because it sounds like your just at the beginning of this thing and will be mediating or negotiating a permanent agreement...is this correct?

If you will be mediating a more permanent agreement that will become an order, my suggestion at the moment is to honor her STUPID request.  But don't just silently agree.  Instead write back to her, confirming that until the two of you meet to set up the parenting plan, "I will temporarily honor your request that we meet at ___ and that I be alone.  However before making this a permanent agreement I will need to better understand what your concerns are with regards to me bringing another family member or friend to our meeting spot.  Perhaps this can be discussed in more detail during (if a mediation is scheduled)".   

Something like this shows that you don't like her idea but you can be reasonable too.

Don't suggest that she do the same...OMG...the earth will swallow you whole.

If you are still at the beginning of this, don't give her any reason to say you are undermining her concerns.  She may not have listed ANY concerns, instead just issued an order, but saying NO flat out will be undermining her concerns...I guarantee that.  And she will be bringing that up in front of anyone that has a part in making a decision about the parenting time you get on permanent basis.

If you are going to mediation on this, that's when YOU bring up her request and find out why and that's when you indicate that you'd like the same courtesy from her...more than likely the mediator will say that you asking that she not bring anyone either is more than fair...she will change her mind.

To date, she has not violated the order.   We were not together when the baby was born.  I have since been dating and live with my gf, which is who I have been bringing to the exchange.  Ive been told bringing the gf is not a good idea, but it shouldnt matter.  Ex and I were never married and broke up before birth of child.  Child has been living with ex ever since and I pickup EOW. Judge showed frustration that I requested DNA after signing AOP, and also frustrated that I was out-of-work for school.  I still dont work, but expect to have a job by the next court hearing.

[parentof2]

Well we have differing opinions about bringing some one, but Jimmie is 100% correct about the recorder and about keeping a calm demeanor...no matter what the ex says or does.

LOL...practice in front of the mirror...

-I'm sorry you feel that way. 
-I will think about what you've said.
-I can't give an answer until I have time to think about it.
-You can call me after (child) goes to bed, so we can talk about this without interuption and without (child) overhearing.

BTW:  our CP hated the last line.  In fact all these years later...she still hates it, but she keeps trying.

I can't stress enough how important it is NOT to react to the ex.  Respond calmly and respectfully but do NOT react...no matter what she does.  The only reaction would be to walk away from her and leave.

You are just at the beginning of this thing and even a harsh tone can make you come off unreasonable.  The CP only needs to bat the big doe eyes and maybe drop a tear or two and you stand to loose alot.

Get a VERY good recorder.

It may be too late.  I said some pretty harsh things in the last email. I told her she is just doing the court thing to get back at me becasue she is mad.   I told her the less contact with her the better.   

[Clayton P]

Parentof2


I can tell you that I am in a very similiar situation. The only part that I will comment on is that it is never to late. I did the same thing-- I sent emails stating that the farther away she was from me (the mother) the better. I to was not married to her, broke up before I even knew she was pregnant, and was not around when my daughter was born.

me and the mom have NEVER been on the same page. I figured getting away from her would help-- But when you typed those emails (at least I hope) you were talking exclusively about the mother --not the child-- that is what I was doing.

I have to tell you that I have had to backtrack and defend myself on those emails--and at this point have stopped doing that and taken the "kind as possible" approach. But that fact is that I did send them and I have to explain that i was not talking about the mother in a time when the situation was very stressful. So far I have not gotten that much flack for them-- but 4 months have passed since I sent the email.

Some times it just takes time.

Clayton P

[cpkk]

Parentof2


I can tell you that I am in a very similiar situation. The only part that I will comment on is that it is never to late. I did the same thing-- I sent emails stating that the farther away she was from me (the mother) the better. I to was not married to her, broke up before I even knew she was pregnant, and was not around when my daughter was born.

me and the mom have NEVER been on the same page. I figured getting away from her would help-- But when you typed those emails (at least I hope) you were talking exclusively about the mother --not the child-- that is what I was doing.

I have to tell you that I have had to backtrack and defend myself on those emails--and at this point have stopped doing that and taken the "kind as possible" approach. But that fact is that I did send them and I have to explain that i was not talking about the mother in a time when the situation was very stressful. So far I have not gotten that much flack for them-- but 4 months have passed since I sent the email.

Some times it just takes time.

Clayton P

It could go either way.  some judges wont care about the relationship between the parents,  but then again, some will use it as justification that shared parenting wont work,and then just give full physical custody to one of the parents.   I sat in on a case where the judge tried to get the parents to talk to work out a small issue and they both refused.   The lawyers couldnt make an agreement either, so the judge made his own decision and went in favor of the mother for custody and ordered the dad to pay a 1000/month child support, altheough the mother did not have a permanent home at the time.   I was a little surprised at that.  You never know what the court will do.  It takes a lot of strength and patience but just be nice.  Your childs need should come before your gf and a peaceful exchange is best for all, mainly the child 

[skw]

I am Currently married have total of 3 children 2 of which are with my current wife
and one from previous marriage ( which was a joke lasted about 3 months )
 
I had remarried when the child was 4 and my current wife basically treated her as if she was her own....anyhow the child is now 12..however the last 5 years have been  awful between her mother and I..
I pay my support, and up till last year I took a step back and let the mother have 100% control of everyhting..due to the chiold emotional state.. the child was constantly being mentally abused by her mother and was suffering in school , socially all around--- I had tried to get custody of her and lost basically the judge said unless I can prove that the mother was unfit there was nothing he could do...
after a few months after looding in court things started to get really bad - every time the child would come to visit she'd cry and tell us everyhting that her mother would say about us including my other kids... I started counseling for the child and the court had made it in a order that the mother was to take her to these seesions and we both would split cost...however them  the mother did it for a whole 4 weeks then just stopped ... going back and forth to the lawyer becasue the mother basically refuses to communicate with me I was up to 12 grand in cost....
and have enough.. so I did somehting that might have not been the best thing - but  at the time I thought it was in the best interest of the child for her to continue to be a caught in the middle...I suspended my visits until further notice --
meanwhile it was ordererd that I could conitune to communicate w/ the child through cell, phone, email etc...
into a week or so the mother disconnected her home # and changed cell # so then I mailed a letter...no reply then I had to contact my lawyer again..to get a contact #.. after another 350 dollars later I thne get it...Ive bee ngoing back and forth talking to the child...her cousins granparents never get a call back or replies of any sort - then last week i get an email from (supposivly ) from  my child telling me that to no longer call , email , text etc... no longer wants to see me or have anyhting to do with any family on my side ?? I am still paying support - but now what do i do ... get tehe lawyer again,, cus the mother will not call me back or return any emails ...I live in new Jersey  in which half the time ther mother never does anything from wrong

[jimmy eaches]

well, even though new jersey might be what they call a "mothers state", we have to change our thinking aptterns, keep fighting to make it a FATHERS STATE. more people have to think they can win instead of going into court and believeing they will lose their asses. stand up,fight and do not back down or cower to the cp's threats or anything. do not let the use the child as a pawn, and remember one thing, there is not crime against loving your child. join me at myspace.com/mddadsdeserverights

[hadenough40]

Well, jimmie...maybe you can suggest that these men start writing to the legislaters.  I'm in NJ too and my biggest problem with what I see my husband go through is the fact that ONLY the CS agency acknowledges him as a parent, but that acknowledgement is limited to "paying parent"...LOL

For everyone else it is a fight to get EVERYONE to understand the legal docs don't say non parent, they say non CUSTODIAL parent. 

It's no wonder my husband's blood pressure is high...when i say "fight" it does not mean loosing his temper or arguing outright.  Everything is done in low key tones with calm voices and is the equivalent of holding it all in.

For the CP it's a matter of not telling her what he REALLY thinks, instead it is...step back, think about the appropriate response (which is a response that will cause the least amount of trouble for him), have back up supporting his response and then get beat upon and amazingly enough be told that simply disagreeing with the CP is undermining her.

For everyone else, it is a matter of chipping away at the preconceived notions regarding dad's and NCP dad's in particular.  Finding statutes about the few rights he has, presenting those statutes to the appropriate individuals so they will discuss matters involving his kids with him, finding back doors.  Basically he's always working around the system in order to get answers about his kids, then...

It's back to undermining the CP about something that's going on.  She's already pissed because he found a way to get the information SHE wasn't giving him and now he's disagreeing with her...just a vicious cycle the family court system created.

AND let's not forget that anything involving financial aid of any sort is of the belief that my husband HAS no children.

Sorry parent of 2...i just got off my soapbox and realized this thread has gone off track but I wanted to respond about NJ...sorry. 

I suggest that you post any further questins you may have about your situation in the other thread you started.

Sorry.

[jimmy eaches]

hadenough,
normally we dont disagree, but i guess in this case we do. i dont mind the comments. i am used to them. the thing about it is, is we can just sit back and wait for the lawyers and the state to act, or we can do, i commend you and your hubby on this one, is to take maters into your own hands. find out your own info, which you did, and really , who cares if he is undermining her. in custody cases, my girlfriend and i found out that it is better to be our "own lawyer" and our own "p.i." we did a assload of research and did what we had to do. we withstood all of the additional lawyers in the case, social services, the numerous counselings,evaluations. you name it , we did it. maryland is a mothers state, i beat that. now i have to make others believe that every state has the capability of awarding the children to the fathers. sometimes, it might not be the best thing, then we fight to maximize our rights. in my case, i had to take them from their mother and she ended up with supervised visitation, in a mothers state. so see, there are success stories all over, we have to fight smart and let the mothers know that we are no longer concerned with what they think and take every battle as its our last one. new jersey can also come around. it is not impossible. remember, "when fighting for custody of our kids, FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!!!" i truly hope that you do not take this the wrong way, it is not a slam, its just my opinion and with my case, they are facts.
jimmy eaches

[hadenough40]

LOL...well then Jimmie...here's something NCPs don't hear often....

Can we agree to disagree and move on?

LOL