Update: I had my meeting with the Congressman....

[smitisan]

I wrote "take the chid"? Well, it was four in the morning, and I was off my meds and worried sick about the boys. See, I tried to kill myself after all this blew up, and the VA is treating me now. I was hoping I could get by without the drugs, but I haven't slept since I tried to kick them.
Now, as to your question. I'm not real sure about doing anything formally; that's never really been my way. But I am going to raise hell. Give a listen, for instance, to the song Deadbeat Dad at myspace.com/smitisan. I'm not going to say it's an instant hit, especially not in the raw shape it's in now, but it's a start at getting other people, specifically VOTERS, to recognize that there's a whole 'nother side to this situation they're not hearing. They, then, might be the ones who make the difference. Oh sure, I'll talk to politicians and lawmakers, and I'll bust my butt trying to jump through their hoops, but the word needs to bubble up from the bottom too.   

[stepmom38]

Morning all.  Smit...I think what we're all trying to point out here...is that although it's extremely frustrating and maddening and makes you want to jump up and down and scream your head off, the bottom line is that NOTHING is going to be done until the laws are changed.  And no one is going to get them changed but US. 

The woman at the Assemblyman's office said to me..."I guess unless you're directly affected by this system, you really don't know how it works."  Which is exactly the point.  Everyone is under the false assumption that everything is done "in the best interests of the child", which WE know is false.  Unfortunately the general public doesn't have a clue, and that includes most of these legislators.  That's why we need to bring it to their attention.  Be pro-active.  The internet has a WEALTH of information if you're willing to spend the time to research it.  Download your state's custody and child support laws and see how they apply to your situation and go from there.  Find out who your local legislators are and write to them.  Then call them, and keep calling them until someone responds to you.  Yes...it's a bit time consuming, but what's better?  Sitting around and complaining and doing nothing?  Things will not change on their own.

[hadenough40]

Okay...so you have written a song smit?  The song is about what you've gone through?  I haven't listened to it yet so I can't comment but...

Have you forwarded the lyrics to your local legislators and asked them to help?  the tone or the music may not be their cup of tea but if the words make sense they may pay attention.

So here's the cranky response...

Your way is not to do things formally.  How many battles have you had with the ex regarding YOUR particular issues and how many times has the system "kept you in your place"?  Yet you will continue to perpetuate the battles with the ex that the system wants you to have simply because it is a money maker for them.  You more than likely have spent countless hours figuring out how to fight with the CP.  Well,

JLN spent countless hours putting together a brief, writing a letter and following up on both.  She has gotten some results from these particular countless hours.  It should be added that the countless hours did not involve the CP.  JLN may just well have made a giant step for fathers rights...Without the approval of the CP or the family court system?!?  How can that be?

She has taken their power away.  She went over their heads in a legal and organized fashion.  

I'm not saying play dead whenever the CP gets crazy.  Instead start making efforts to truly remove their power over you.

[smitisan]

I didn't write the song for the legislators. I wrote it for the people who vote for the legislators, the people who will be watching that show on Fox without realizing that there's a whole other side to the story they're not hearing, the people who without that realization will vote out progressive legislators and replace them with demagogues who promise to get tough with all those deadbeat dads out there "like y'all see on that Fox show" and then where's all your work? I appreciate what y'all are doing, but evidently you think there's only one way to do it, your way. I hadn't realized this was a religion.

[Brandy Fee]

Brandy--welcome to the "club". 

If you search back thru the forum, on March 2, I posted "Points to consider when writing your Congressman."  Have a look at that one.  Basically, I just got fed up and the final straw was when the state we are now in issued an income withholding order for 4x the amount of the court order!  We got it straighted out, but the point is, the CSEA thought they could do that and get away with it.  When confronted, all they said was "oops."

Oops, my ass.  I started reseaching everything I could find on anything that had to do with Child Support Enforcement.  The more I read the madder I got.  Our case was apparently not an aberration, but the "norm".  That prompted a letter to the Congressman and started my whole ball rolling here.  The gist of the movement is that we need to get our state and federal legislators to acknowledge and understand that the Family Courts and CSEA's are out of control, the system is broken and whole mess is in dire need of reform and oversight.

 

Thanks!  I will most definitely go back and look at the post.  Right now I need all the pointers I can get as I am a "newbie" to the fight.  Not to the experience, you know, just standing up against it!  SO any help and advice is well appreciated.  Thanks again!

[JLN64]

OK--I'm going to take another whack at this and see what happens......

I didn't write the song for the legislators. I wrote it for the people who vote for the legislators, the people who will be watching that show on Fox without realizing that there's a whole other side to the story they're not hearing, the people who without that realization will vote out progressive legislators and replace them with demagogues who promise to get tough with all those deadbeat dads out there "like y'all see on that Fox show" and then where's all your work? I appreciate what y'all are doing, but evidently you think there's only one way to do it, your way. I hadn't realized this was a religion.

Wow, where to even begin.  First, we are not trying to diminish your personal issues nor effort.  Nor have we said there is only one way to go about this.  That said, I have some questions for you.

You need to think back to your 1st marriage--before the divorce when y'all were a nice happy family.  Back when you were dealing with all the trials and tribulations that a marriage and kids bring.  Are you with me so far?  OK.  So, back then, before the divorce, what were your main concerns?  Mortgage, college fund for the kids, planning that trip to Yellowstone, Susie needs new shoes, and Johnny is growing like a weed.  Still with me?  OK. So, you've got your focus on and you're remembering what it was like BEFORE the first divorce......Now, ponder this:

Exactly how much of your time, back then before the divorce, did you spend thinking about how screwed up the Family Courts and Enforcement Agencies were?   How often did you and the Mrs. sit around the livingroom chatting about how awful it is, you know, the way those poor men are being treated.  Geez Honey, maybe we need to do something.  I know, let's make sure that the next legislators we vote for are willing to do something to correct these evils.

I'm going to step out on a limb and say NEVER!!  And why?  Because it wasn't your problem.  Everyone has their own crap they are dealing with, why take on a problem that doesn't concern you.  I would even venture to guess that NONE OF US realized how truly screwed up things were until we were knee deep in it.  By now, I'm sure you are wondering what the hell my point is. 

Well, here it is.  Those voters that you are talking about don't give a damn about your problems or mine.  Especially right now, with gas at 4 bucks a gallon, and the economy going into the toilet.  The average Joe who just lost his job, is about to lose his house and is struggling to figure out how he is going to take care of his family until he can turn this around, couldn't care less that we think the system sucks and is dire need of reform and oversight.  They are going to vote for the candidate that they think will do something about the issues that directly relate to them.  Who's going to bring back jobs, fix the economy, lower taxes, deal with the gas prices, global warming--whatever issues are important to you.
 
The only voters who care enough to even try and find out where the candidates stand on issues like reforming the system or equal parenting are the ones who are currently and directly involved with the system.  That means US!  And unfortunately, we haven't been yelling loud enough to even make it a viable issue during this campaign.  How many debates have been televised so far this year?  20? 30?  And how many times did you hear the candidates discussing this issue??  NEVER!

The point that Hadenough, Stepmom, Papa, myself and many others are trying to make is that NO ONE IS GOING TO DO THIS FOR US.  You say you aren't confrontational.  Well, that's a shame.  Because we aren't talking about the price of milk here, we're talking about your CHILDREN.  And if ever there was an issue to be confrontational about, well, I think the Health and Welfare of your CHILDREN would be it.  I am confrontational.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  I chose the tact of going directly to the people who can make the changes--our Congressman/Senators.  You want to do it with your song--great.  Put it on UTUBE, make it a viral video;an internet sensation, then maybe FOX (sorry Had) will pick it up and chat about it and the cause will get some much needed publicity.  Until that occurs, I will continue to write to Congressmen, Senators, Media Outlets, newspapers and anyone else I can think of in order to get these issues into the public arena.  Once we get that initial nod, all the NCP's who think they are out there fighting this on their own will realize they are not alone and join us.  And more importantly, the Family Courts and CSEA's will be put on notice that their BS is not going to be tolerated anymore.
You think you can accomplish this with a song; then more power to ya.  But in my opinion, the pen is mightier than the guitar!

[hadenough40]

I didn't write the song for the legislators. I wrote it for the people who vote for the legislators, the people who will be watching that show on Fox without realizing that there's a whole other side to the story they're not hearing, the people who without that realization will vote out progressive legislators and replace them with demagogues who promise to get tough with all those deadbeat dads out there "like y'all see on that Fox show" and then where's all your work? I appreciate what y'all are doing, but evidently you think there's only one way to do it, your way. I hadn't realized this was a religion.

I just checked out your song and listening to from your (and our prespective) it makes sense...i don't agree with alot of it nor do I think you should be "proud" to be a deadbeat dad.  It explains why you are one and most in our situation can understand that but it wouldn't make me "proud".  Sorry JMHO

Today's foray onto to myspace is the 3rd time I've ever been on the site.  Each time it has been a matter of finding what I was looking for and then moving on.  For instance today because you provided the info I typed that in...listened to the song and left.  I hear alot about myspace so I'm guessing you might be on the right track with setting it up there but I am not a user or fan of myspace.

I do believe the basis of your idea is a good one...MySpace seems to be HUGE and there is no denying that internet use is the new mode of communication.  So using the internet and myspace to get your message out is a great idea.

This is not a smart ass retort...it is a serious question...How are your going about making sure that the people that vote hear it and that the people watching the show hear it?  
Is that song getting alot of "hits"?  Have you made the site a "tag" or hyperlink with e-mails you send or in your profiles?  How are you getting the voters to listen?

Again, I don't like alot of the song but it might be poignant for others...how are you getting them to listen?

[Brandy Fee]

  Basically said I have full power to discuss any of his issues with the Senator so there are no HIPPA concerns (one stop at the senators office I was told that they would not discuss the issues with me due to privacy laws?? HUH).  I'm resending this to all the people I originally sent it to and my husband's letter is being submitted to the "spout off" section I was talking about.

hmmm... I will have to do a bit more research, but as far as I know HIPPA covers MEDICAL privacy!  It doesn't cover someone discussing the custody or visitation of one's children!!!!  Sheesh, what will they come up with next?

[hadenough40]

They said privacy laws...I called it HIPPA...sorry about that, but my husbands FULL letter did question exactly just what privacy laws were prohibiting them from talking to me but at the same time gave permission for any aspect of (he listed every item by case, docket, date of birth, account number, etc and that his financials were included also since we have joint accounts). 

But I do find it interesting that the last time I was there and got the b.s. line, I left with my copy still in my hands.

So my letter has been read by someone...

[hadenough40]

To the top!!!!

And I hope everyone knows to ignore the bickering that went on.  The focus should be on the progress that was made by JLN and Stepmom38

[srubgu]

I think what happend to you and your husband is pretty crappy if you dont mind me saying. I am a second wife but also i recieve support for children in a previous marriage. I have sole custody of my children and any visitation is at my discression. First off my children know who their dad is and also have had supervised visits,written, and phone contacts with their dad for a total of three children i recieve 330 a month. I think that is fair to boththe kids and their dads. The reason the visits are set up the way they are is due to the abuse in the marriage towards me and my children. I am offering an objective view on both sides. In some cases i feel like the person persuing the divorce should be the one with the least favor in the courts especially when it comes to the children( in some cases) but i also believe support should be fair to where the noncustodial parent is able to survive on a regular 9 to 5 job. Also support should go down like it works with allomony if the custodial parent remarries. I am not saying stop but be decreased due to the fact that the person they marry is also saying they are taking partial responsibility for those children. If it worked that way i feel it would be more fair to all parties. I also feel that except in extreem cases that if the absent parent is unable to have set acess to his children then he should not have to pay support. I have offered both of my exs the opprotunity to relinquish their rights in order not to have to pay support their reply was no but as you see i am not trying to kill them on the issue either. Basically there has to be a way to make it fair for both parties.

[JEI]

Wow!! A fellow NCP's 2nd wife and step mom.... I too have been rattling cages for almost a year and have written letters to Governor Crist and senators with but no response. We have even been blocked from even getting a hearing set up to talk to a judge about the complete uncooperation by the cp and her representation ( the FL Dept of Revenue & Attorney General). They have been stalling and keeping our modification from moving for ward at all since the start. I have finally gotten them to set up a court date for July 3rd (wish us luck) only after I sent a new letter out to EVERYONE including the supreme courts regional office and anyone else i could find that could possibly do anything to help showing we are being blocked from getting a hearing for the non compliance by the DOR & Attn Gen. Coincidentily They immediatly scheduled a date 3 days after i sent the letter stating our rights were being violated and we will not stop until we get in front of a judge. I feel like my husband and i are warriors fighting for our lives against a giant monster. They think they have us backed in a corner by making it almost impossible to hire an attorney to change it but what they didnt take into account is MY WILL to succeed. and my research ability, hee hee.
    Thanks for sharing your fight, it makes me know im not alone!!  Keep me posted I would be glad to support you in any way i can.

[hadenough40]

Okay, I had my meeting with the aide on Tuesday and it was much better than the off the street meeting I had with the yahoo on Friday.  I had my thoughts and facts all together.

In a way, we'll see how well it worked for me and my husband, but honestly I'm not sure that they care about NCPs in general.

When it came to blatant attempts by the ex at alienation and even laws that she consistantly breaks (sending a child to us with unnamed pills in a baggie)...well guess what the standard answer was...we can take her to court.  With regards to the pills, we can call the state troopers and have them waiting at the drop off and when the child is on his way to get in our car, they can ask him about the pills and mom will be arrested. 

Hey...as much as I'd love to see that, I DON'T want my stepchildren to see that.  So of course the senator's aide just really doesn't know how they can help.  So we can go to court and mommy will get a slap on the wrist because mommies can do no wrong in NJ. 

So I asked, if we take all of these antics to court, will you back us?  Can we get representation through this office?  We don't qualify for legal aid because my husband doesn't have kids, so he makes too much money based on not having kids...

Which brought us to...

The energy assistance that was denied to us and the statements made to me about not having to list the CS I receive. 

And I had all my paperwork at the ready to hand over. 

Of course "the local agency should have allowed my husband to list his kids".  I pointed out on the copy of BIG CORPORATIONS application that BIG CORPORATION clearly states that only dependents living with you FULL TIME can be listed.  I also showed them where it states that CS does NOT have to be listed as income.  "This is not simply the ruling of the local agency."  Well, I guess when the little guy couldn't be blamed anymore they lost interest...instead,

They are going to look into assistance for us...NOW.  DUH! 

with regards to the "arrears" on the credit report and the probation departments refusal to correct it.  They are going to look into that for us...personally.  So we might see a correction in the future without having to go to court, but again...

It shouldn't have happened in the first place and how many other NCPs has it happened to?

JLN I brought your letter and copies of this post.  I know you're in NY, but that makes us neighbors so I thought they might be interested.

I suggested that they may want to look into our probation department and their record keeping methodology as well as rules governing what they can and can't report to credit agencies.  We've been told over and over that they can't provide ANY information to the credit agencies, yet somehow they were able to provide incorrect information?  "Either you can or your can't."  They obviously did report previously, so why can't they now?  If they are screwing with my husband on such a low level, imagine what is happening to others that aren't paying attention.  So, like I said, they are going to look into this for US...not look into it because it might be a bigger problem...nope...just for US. 

Although I know it can't come off the report, it will be good if it is put in the "past  bad debt" section.  Atleast then my husband can move forward.

So maybe we'll personally see some benefit, maybe not, but all in all I feel it was not such a good meeting.  I don't think she really cared, I think she just wants me off the Senators back and to keep me from coming in the office on a weekly basis.

[JLN64]

Hey Had--that sucks.  So here's a thought to contemplate. 

It's an election year.  Is your Sen. up for re-election???  Doe's he really want you to go public with the fact that he doesn't give a rat's behind about his contituents and that he's too "busy" to meet with them personally?  He was elected to represent you and your interests--perhaps he needs to be reminded of that. 

Don't give up.  Just keep at them until they let you meet with him in person.  It's your right.  Tell them you are going to continue to seek out media outlets who might want to do a story on the Sen. and his lack of regard for his constituents.  If Code Pink can get a permit to protest outside the Marine Rec. Office in Bezerkly (an issue that just pisses me off), then let's see if we can get a permit to stand in front of his office with a sign that says he doesn't care about the people he represents. 

I'd keep going back and bugging them until I had a meeting set up with the Sen. himself!

BTW, I'm in Mich not NY, but close enough...it's all the same fight in the end.

 

[hadenough40]

Well, out of courtesy I've been working on a "thank you" for Liz Beth (not Betty by the way).  I figured I'd thank her for HER time and note that there are still issues that I feel VanDrew should be addressing.  I've only just begun looking up "legal" stuff...I'm gonna see if I can follow your lead any and find actual laws that may have been abused with regards to the financial aide or CS.  What I'm really looking for is about how CS could be reported to credit agencies if they are NOT allowed to report to credit agencies.   

I'm trying to figure out a way to work in that for some reason they don't want to take issue with the BIG CORPORATION that kept my husband and I from getting much needed assistance a year ago, but they were ready to go after the little community group that works for free to help those of us in need.  The community center was following the guidelines set up by BIG CORPORATION, they personally were not preventing us from getting assistance.

For some reason THAT'S really what's been sticking in my crawl for the last couple days.

But...

I just opened up mail that I received from her.  It was a pretty big and heavy envelope.  In it was a sorta form letter about our meeting, blah, blah, blah, but there is a TON of paperwork and some docs need to be signed by my husband.  All to be filed with the appropriate court.  I haven't read through it all, but it contains some of the CS paperwork I brought as well as a CS report that I'm guessing they got themselves (probably didn't believe that it was possible for a dad NOT to be in arrears at some point and were probably floored even more when they realized he has a full month worth of credit).  Even I thought it was only 2 weeks that he overpaid.  When I know EXACTLY what I'm looking at I'll let you know.

I've updated my original letter some and started sending out to media outlets.  I'm revamping again.  I want to let it be know that while we'll take any help we can get, this stuff is not just happening to us.