Keeping Divorced Dads at a Distance - New York Times
Like most divorced fathers, I’m caught in exactly the kind of nightmarish situation that experts on stress say to avoid — a great deal of responsibility, but very little power. I’m the major source of support for my children; my financial obligations are set by the state, and my wages automatically garnished. (If I lost my job tomorrow, and couldn’t keep up with my payments, a warrant for my arrest would be issued within two months.) But my influence over how my daughters are being raised is limited, sometimes by decisions their mother makes that I have no input into, and sometimes by their allegiance to her when she and I are at odds.
In fact, there are times when these two girls, whom I’ve loved for a decade and a half, seem like little strangers to me. They’ll forget to tell me some detail of their lives — or downright lie if they have to — so I won’t feel sad that I’ve missed something they shared with their mom, or raise issue over some decision she’s made with which I might not agree. As a result, I sometimes come away from visits or phone calls feeling shaken, saddened and angry.
My ex and I have been to court over support issues, and we’ve been to court over custody issues, and the legal battles inevitably trap our children in the middle and force them to choose sides. Sadly, this is exactly what not to do if you want to foster a loving parent-child bond. In a study by a child psychologist, Robert E. Emery, divorcing parents were assigned — by flip of the coin — either to mediate or litigate their custody disputes. Twelve years later, he found, that in families that went through mediation, the noncustodial parent was several times more likely to have weekly phone contact with his or her children.
Unfortunately, the system that our government has set up essentially forces divorced parents into litigation. We need to bring children and their divorced parents, especially fathers, closer together by revisiting our reckless support and custody laws, and the haphazard approach we have toward enforcing them.
Since 1998, the federal government has provided matching funds based on a percentage of money the states collect in child support — a powerful financial incentive for states to mandate and maximize support payments. As a result, parents are discouraged from negotiating a settlement: only 17 percent of current support agreements deviate from state-imposed guidelines, even though studies show that when couples set their own support figure, it’s more likely to be paid (and tends to be higher than the state’s figure).
And the court’s involvement doesn’t stop there. If Dad gets a raise, Mom takes him back to court to get more money; when Dad suffers a financial setback, he sues Mom to get his support decreased. Each time, the acrimony — and the legal fees — grow.
But while courts will jail men who can’t meet their support payments, mothers who interfere with a father’s custodial rights rarely face similar penalties. Often, the only recourse for a dad who wants to see his children more often is to sue, and sue and sue again.
Some fatherhood advocates argue that when mothers fail to carry through on a custody ruling, they should face fines and imprisonment, just like fathers do. That’s started to happen: last fall, an Arkansas court sentenced a woman named Jennifer Linder to six months in prison for “willfully and wantonly” refusing to obey visiting orders and awarded custody to her former husband. But sending more mothers to prison can only result in more anger, and more confusion and alienation for the children in question. What is needed is less court involvement, not more.
The first step toward fostering a father and child reunion is to make private mediation of the parenting provisions (physical custody, legal custody and visiting) the standard procedure. Allowing parents the chance to negotiate their support — and possibly give fathers more of a say in how their support is spent — will decrease the vitriol, and let fathers feel more like parents, not just paychecks.
Second, we need to enact and enforce sensible penalties for interfering with visits. Jailing a mother is no way to solve the dispute; neither are financial penalties that hurt her ability to care for the child. But mediation — perhaps compelled by the threat of financial penalty — might be the solution. It’s estimated that one in five children of divorce has not seen his or her father in the past year. Without substantial rethinking of our current support and custody law, children will continue to be alienated from their fathers, and lawyers will remain on hand to soak up the resulting legal fees.
Just this month, I received a summons to attend a custody conference at the Allentown, Pa., courthouse, and another letter informing me that an accounting error has left me short on support payments, and that my passport may be suspended. I want to shield my daughters from these harsh truths. So these are the secrets I’ll be trying to keep from them as we gather together for Father’s Day.
What secrets will they be keeping from me?
23 responses so far ↓
1 Kevin Merck // Jun 18, 2006 at 10:28 am
I agree the best remedy would be mediation that strictly minimizes the role greedy courts and lawyers play in determining custody issues. A uniform set of guidelines could be adopted to help set the “ground rules†for a settlement.
The problem is that there are few parents (especially mothers who have everything to gain) are willing to work amicably toward a reasonable settlement … enter the greedy parasites.
If a judge finds by “clear and convincing†evidence that a parent should be denied custody, the parent denied should have the right to a decision by his/her peers. No greedy judge should have that much power over family matters and any role played by lawyers should be strictly limited and very unprofitable.
2 FloridaSunBum // Jun 18, 2006 at 11:30 am
We need to just drop all the backwards and corupt child support laws. They do nothing but ruin lives and put people in worse conditions then they would be without and support at all. Revamp all the laws, Stop making it deadbeat dads, Its not just the dads. Politians are the worst problem with it all. They are spending 3 times the amount trying to convict the so called deadbeats then they would if they paid it in full themselves.
3 Times the amount….. Simple addition tells you that the Government is wasting more money then they bring in and save.
Stop putting people in jail for back payments, It only makes life worse and then they never can get out of the hole the government puts them into.
WAKE UP PEOPLE
3 havaprayer // Jun 18, 2006 at 1:07 pm
An even better remedy than forced mediation (which in many cases will reach an impasse anyway) is to award each parent 50% custody, unless a parent is shown to be unfit or uncooperative toward the other parent. Second, when 50% custody is the norm, the child support calculations would need to be revamped to accommodate the change. Now the support guidelines are written in terms of “custodial” and “non-custodial” parents, and the support calculations for 50/50 custody cases defy logic. I make 55% of our combined income and I have 50% custody, yet I am forced to pay 78% of our children’s support cost. I don’t get it.
4 cpeyton // Jun 18, 2006 at 2:06 pm
“If a judge finds by “clear and convincing†evidence that a parent should be denied custody, the parent denied should have the right to a decision by his/her peers. No greedy judge should have that much power over family matters and any role played by lawyers should be strictly limited and very unprofitable.”
I agree with you on that 100% Kevin. I know for a fact if I had a jury by my peers here where I live I would be given 50% custody of my kids and everything else that goes with it!
But alas, that will not happen in my lifetime. SO..I will just prod along till they come and get me to go to jail or something else happens.
5 Kevin Merck // Jun 18, 2006 at 2:28 pm
It’s good to hear from you Chuck. I’m glad you’re hanging in there. It’s not easy refusing to pay the extortion, but it’s not any easier paying it knowing that you are making this extortion racket possible; that was my experience anyway. Things will work out for you in the end. No matter what happens to me I’ll have “no regrets†because there is no doubt in my mind that I’m doing the right thing. I suspect you feel the same way.
Hang in there buddy, you’re in my prayers.
6 atkins1999 // Jun 18, 2006 at 4:22 pm
Chuck this is the first time that I have left a blog before. I have been trying hard to get back into the dating scene here localy starting from a second divorce. It is like chasing off your own shadow. I thought that I could survive a lot easier by joining our military (we all have one thing in common to survive but insane people take it a step futher greed is insanity). I decided to do my best to keep our country running by joining the Military. It is hard to defend something so fiercely, my govenment attacked me so fiercely when I was living on base, The Administrative Law Judge from Oregon took 50% of my income without an arrearage because I lived in base housing. Inflating my wages beyond the child support formula that determines how much a human soul should pay. (Hours equal a human souls life which is taxable while alive through income tax and then when you die there is a death tax). I was working 60 hours a week to fix planes for the Air Force in support of Iraqi Freedom. 8 months later my wife left me and cleaned out my house stating that I could not provide for her. I had a child by someoene else. I barely had the means to support my son considering that my wife (whom I never cheated on or never threatened cleaned out my house). This was the first time I had more than every other weekend visitation with my child since I joined the Active Duty Air Force permanantly leaving the National Guard. I had to change my perception from owning anger and hate and feeling attacked, to experiencing injustice by a third party which is key to explaining to those who do not understand how easy this trap can be. Getting angry fuels the enemy because that is what they want us to do. Being a third party to see how things exist is the best way to be. I got caught up in emotions which was destroying me from the inside out. I dont want syptoms of a cause (meaning emotions and anger). I wanted to know why things are the way that they are. everything has a reason. Fighting fire with fire only leaves ashes so I knew that this was not the answer. People cannot walk in our shoes they do not understand the cross that we have to bare. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. For every crime there is a remedy whether it is a crime against society or another person, For every negative has to be positive to keep our world in balance. otherwise natural law would have killed life on earth as we know it. We were given the test to carry on partially crippled emotionally unbearable trials from loosing our kids, and financially by having 66 cents on every dollar reimbursed to state governments from the Federal Government. Every dollar collected from non custodial parents to our disrespective states is payable to keep Custodial Parents off of welfare. This is how they take it out of our asses, and we and other people do not know it thanks to the Bradley Bill. When you have a single judge and not 11 of a jury of our peers, you bypass our consitition which gives us unalienable rights (cannot be taken away) not from man but from our creator. Man cannot give another man rights otherwise we are slaves. Dont loose yourself otherwise we have lost the war making us look like weaklings which fuels the evidence that our ex’s custodial parents want to project upon us. We have deviated from what this country is and what it should have been. We left England to get a better life when we formed the 13 colonies in the beginning (this is true patriotism). Somehow corruption is destroying life in America by design as we know it. Our children will be tested by flame, with MTV, video games, and drugs, we will fight for them, once you give it your all it will become a fire that our children must carry. May our children survive. This is worse virus than the west nile, and worse than the Avian Flu. At least these diseases get coverage by our so called media but somehow they fail report PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome). This disease will be exchanged by the custodial parents who take their toxic views and pass them on to their OUR next of kin (meaning failed relationships of out pasts including the innocence of our kids as a group). Our world is insane. The criminal rate will continue to rise. There will be more wars to fight overseas which is part of the hypocrisy of our democracy. We need to return back to a Republic which was governed under the Constitution. To keep your sanity requires a huge a amount of spiritual connection (not found in man made churches which cannot live without the dollar even though our heavenly father taught out of a tent not out of huge temples requring more slavery and donations if it was truth we would come and drink lifes water for free as the bible states). I wish you well in your pursuit, I have not seen or heard from my son in 2 years even though I pay financially and emotionally. My child is 12 now. It takes a lot to have a child who might be falsely hating you, where the relationship is murdered and poisoned by the other parent. Just understand that this is a war of economics and Idolotry to the Dollar or synonomously the Beast. Our most sacred…Our children are considered $$$ and not sacred according to our country. This is why the family is going to hell in America the root of our strength. I dont trust politicians but I have to follow their orders to survive. The root of all evil is not money but greed….and greed never ends. it’s a form of insanity if you take more when you have more than enouph….Greed never ends and the instant one feeds that fire no matter the odds dont matter how many people they destroy, even if its our own children. We used to be a country of values but now we are being sunk like a ship. We are a country in the middle. If we are to win this war we need to follow the dollar and expose the corruption which defeats what it most sacred in our lives our children. 66 cents on every dollar is the beginning of evil set by one judge who sets the $$ limit. Freedom is balance between responsibility and the pursuit of happiness stated in our constitution. Are we a happy country? From there Sh*t runs downhill. Follow the greed and the dollar and all the rest falls into place.
If you ever need to chat atkins1999_1999@yahoo.com
7 4Justice // Jun 18, 2006 at 5:33 pm
I couldn’t agree more - it’s time for fathers to fight back. I’m currently dealing with UNETHICAL MORONS with Los Angeles County Child Support Services who have garnished my wages based upon fraudulent charges of being in arrears on child support (and I’ve got six years worth of cancelled checks that PROVE I’ve actually OVERPAID. The sleazy attorneys involved include Lori A. Cruz and Dennis Coe. Be sure to post your own horror stories at:
http://www.stopfatherabuse.org/horrors/
Lori A. Cruz garnished my wages without a court order and Dennis Coe was supposed to stop that harassment based upon instructions from the court. He took his dear old time with that and then reported me to a state licensing commission to have one of mine revoked. Apparently, Lori A. Cruz didn’t like the fact that I’ve reported her to the California State Bar Association. Fight back and POST your horrors.
8 bspencer // Jun 18, 2006 at 8:41 pm
I agree 100%. My husband and I have been through 10 tons of hell with his ex. We haven’t seen or heard from them in years except through lawyers for more child support and receiving medical bills that equal more that my husband makes in a month. The last 13 years of this crap always made me want to do something about the system that is so totally unfair not just to the men but to the children. I started a mediaton firm a while back because I see it as a way to help people keep their children’s lives connected to both parents. I find that once you get past the anger we can usually come to an agreement that both mom and dad are happy with. Unfortunately the system sets up parents as combatants unstead of co parents but if we can get to mediaiton before it gets that far in litigation there is a good chance things can be worked out agreeably. A word of caution though, most mediatiors are good about helping parents work together to make an agreement but there are some that will dictate what they think is best for them and force them to agree. Most people going to mediation don’t really understand the process and therefore will agree with whatever the mediator says. Those are the mediations that ususally fall apart. So pick you mediator with care. In my mediations I always work to help both parents see how crucial it is for their kids for them to work together but the decisionmaking is up to them as it should be.
http://www.tulsamediation.com
9 4Justice // Jun 18, 2006 at 8:51 pm
> Unfortunately the system sets up parents as combatants unstead
> of co parents but if we can get to mediaiton before it gets that far
> in litigation there is a good chance things can be worked out agreeably.
I would have to disagree - Los Angeles County Child Support Services ACTIVELY and INTENTIONALLY abuses fathers - they WORK on behalf of the deadbeat mothers, regardless of what they claim.
Report your abuses today at:
http://www.stopfatherabuse.org/horrors/
Post your ratings about sleazy shysters at:
http://www.lawyerratingz.com
10 Kevin Merck // Jun 19, 2006 at 12:54 pm
(If I lost my job tomorrow, and couldn’t keep up with my payments, a warrant for my arrest would be issued within two months.)
I’ve got to be honest folks, this guy is a coward. I doubt very seriously that there would be a warrant issued for this guy after just two months, but even if there were, that would be no excuse to continue paying the extortion at the expense of millions of innocent fathers and children that will fall prey to the system because cowards like this did nothing to stop it.
No one should have any sympathy for cowards like this. Don’t complain about being a victim if you don’t have the self-respect or the courage to do anything about it. That’s what separates people like Rosa Parks or Nelson Mandela from most people … they had the courage to face incarceration for standing their ground.
Kevin Merck
11 griffitg // Jun 19, 2006 at 2:50 pm
Actually, Kevin, the laws are just as crazy as the writer states. I know for a fact that here in Virginia, if you fell behind 30 days in support payments, your license would be AUTOMATICALLY REVOKED. They are actually linked in with DMV for this to happen without so much as someone pushing an extra button.
I’ve always said that when these so-called women are made to live up to the standards by which men are so routinely held, things would start to change. When a woman AUTOMATICALLY faces jail-time for denying visitation, let’s see how many kids are ready on-time.
The thing I would caution all of you (myself included) about is the cancerous nature of this stuff. If you’re not carefull your life will become about the fight and not the cause. A broken, broke, and mentally shattered father isn’t much of a father at all. There are no HERO’s when we loose site of the broader issues and instead get caught up in the fight. It’s not unlike two people at the end of a nasty fight when you ask “So, what were the two of you fighting about only to find that they forgot somewhere along the line.”
12 Kevin Merck // Jun 19, 2006 at 3:41 pm
What else can they get you to do to keep your job or your driver’s license? I think that’s a fair question to ask anyone who continues to pay the extortion. How low are you willing to stoop in order to retain your “privileges� To what lengths will you go in order to keep them from issuing a warrant for your arrest?
I hope you take comfort in the fact that your children are the next victims of this domestic enemy because people like you were worried about keeping their drivers license.
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
Thomas Paine
13 rjj // Jun 19, 2006 at 9:09 pm
At least you had the chance for a “Father’s Day.” This so-called “Father’s Day” is a crock. In many cases (as mine), we don’t see or get to talk to our children. This country sucks.
“The only way to survive is to Not Play the Game.
14 Kevin Merck // Jun 20, 2006 at 6:54 am
I think it’s fair to say that people like the author of this article, or anyone that pays the extortion, could care less about anyone else but themselves. If they cared about people denied access to their children, they would stop paying in a heartbeat, because it’s “absolutely†the right thing to do.
Most of these people only focus on their personal circumstances, writing books about the terrible injustice, and never considering what the effects of their cooperation are. All they really seem to care about is keeping their job or their driver’s license. Staying out of jail is not even a realistic argument because there is “no way in hell†they can lock up everyone who currently refuses to pay, much less, anyone who decides to stop.
Hopefully people like this will open their eyes and realize that it’s not just about their personal circumstances, it’s about millions of victims of this domestic enemy, past, present and future that will continue to suffer as long as people pay their extortion.
We should brace ourselves for a protracted struggle. We shouldn’t expect too much from people who allow their children to be “pimped†by a domestic enemy in order to keep their job or their driver’s license and their so-called “freedomâ€.
“God who gave us life gave us liberty. And can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are of the Gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with His wrath? Indeed, I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever.”
Thomas Jefferson
15 ericbmohr // Jun 20, 2006 at 4:50 pm
I live in NY and read this article this past Sunday. I completely agree with it. I have thought about how to best accomplish a more justifiable child support arrangement. Well… first I think there should automatically be joint custody. Secondly, there should be absolute equal time with the child(ren).
Having said this, the problem with child support is that only the NCP (read FATHER) pays it and the CP (read mother) takes it. What should happen is that BOTH parents pay their % (i.e. 17, 25 etc) into a bank or some other legally inforceable insititution. This is based on their respective incomes as reported by their tax return. Then, that total amount is divided in half.
What this does is recognize two things: 1) The fathers’ time with the kids incurs a cost that has to be recognized and paid and 2) the monies are split in direct proportion to the the % of each person’s income relative to the total amount.
Is there room for someone to cheat? Sure, but I am sure that those things could be mitigated.
Do I think for a second that any woman would go for this? Nope. They would finally have to pay and not just take. But I think this is rational and compensates both mother and father in proportion to their respective incomes and as well their expenses with the kids.
Do I think women would fight for full custoday and more time than 50/50. Yes. Then let them pay for all the costs associated with this. Or Or better, let them MEDIATE this. Secondly, it would and should remain 50/50 unless the woman (or possibly the man) PROVE some valid cause.
Just some ideas that will never come to pass in my lifetime. I have a mere 5 more years of this abuse.
16 Randy // Jun 22, 2006 at 11:29 pm
I’d stop paying except that my “child support” is taken directly from my SSDI. (social security disability income)
So how do I stop this? I’m asking anyone out there like Kevin, what can be done when I don’t even see the check (over $550.00) deposited directly into my ex’s bank account?
I will go to jail and sit there as long as they keep me. Jail doesn’t scare me as much as the insane family law system.
My friends support me on this and will see that I receive a little money while I remain in jail.
My ex doesn’t know that if I go to jail the social security is stopped. She gets NO MONEY which will certainly cause “arrears” which will be a revolving door from court to jail for nothing more than a father who wants to share in the life of his own child.
This taking of children and property/money will only breed more violence.
The worse part is my Wife now who is a wonderful woman will suffer along with our soon to be born baby girl.
I also have health issues which do not make me an unfit father but could certainly kill me once in jail.
Stress is already having it’s toll on me.
I don’t get to see my now 8 year old child who has been taught by mom to call me by my first name instead of daddy as he had up until he was 5 1/2 years old. After this the “mother” hid him from me for over 18 months without my knowing his phone number or address. It took my hawking my house to get enough money to hire an attorney to find them. Had I went looking for myself and found them, it would have surely led to a stalking charge against me followed by the usual restraining order.
My story is too long.
My son was taken 3000 miles away from me without any due process. No proof of the phony excuses and lies that my ex filed with the court. Can’t compete with her family money which they give to her to keep me from my son. They are very wealthy. I’m not.
Borrowed money from my home and $105,000.00 later (and still counting) I’m in serious debt, yet nothing happened in court for over a year of my traveling to see “our” child.
Police do nothing to enforce “visitation”. The court does nothing, and my attorney is not effective.
My son is being brainwashed and now says I am not his father. He is rude and cruel like his mom now.
The court mediator interviewed all three of us seperately and issued a scathing report against the mom to the court which states amoung other terrible things mom is doing, that there was ongoing parental alienation by the mom and the child needs his father in his life as well as mom. Therapy was ordered. Soon after, mom took the child out of therapy and it has all started over again. I had to pay for the therapy even though I wasn’t the abuser.
NOTHING ever happened and I have no more money to address the corrupt court anymore which is exactly the evil plan against families in “America”. What rights does a father have? It states in the law that this should not be the case but it is. The father has NO RIGHTS!
He (”our” son) will mostlikely growup to be the same abusing type of person as mom.
There was never any domestic violence.
I have never even raised my voice to my little boy and never hit him.
There was a divorce from an unhealthy marriage.
Divorced each other, but I didn’t divorce my son.
Yet mom claims that if I have contact with him or take him to play that I will “steal him away to another country”, which is completely weird.
The court believes the mother and gave her 100% custody across the board. We used to have 50/50 across the board until she moved, hid our child until the required six months passes which allow her to not get served with any court papers by me, but allows her to change jurisdiction that has me having to travel 3000 miles to have any relatioship with my son. I have missed most of his life from 4 years of age to the present and probably forever.
Kill the judges, the ex, the attorneys and “evaluators”. They pretend to be doing something and pretend to want a shared parenting plan, except it’s all a scam that will never happen while they have their hands in my pocket to try and extract all the money from me that they can.
I hate the system.
There will be violence like nobody has ever seen when they take children and money away from mostly fathers in the name of what’s in the best interest of the child bullshit!
I never used to think about harming anyone. It’s not my nature. They all know this and push you against a wall while you lose your children and your sanity. This is what they want to happen so the finger can be pointed at Dad saying; “see…he is a violent person”. Violence is created by the system for the system and there appears no other way out except to “go postal” and kill the whole lot. What a nightmare.
Randy
17 Jim Deeny // Jun 23, 2006 at 6:08 am
Randy, either you can go postal OR you can just accept the fact that your son hates you because of his mother and get on with your life. Obviously, court is’nt working either to resolve it. I wish more men would push the bounds of reality a little harder like Mack. Scaling walls in Superman outfits is worthless. Blogging about Fathers rights is worthless. The only 2 things that are worth it anymore are: Stop paying the extortion OR going postal.
18 Kevin Merck // Jun 23, 2006 at 10:53 am
Randy:
I’m trying to refrain from directly addressing people who post on this website. I’m not looking for a confrontation; I’m just interested in “honestly†expressing my point of view. When I first took to the internet to find a way to cope with my situation I was extremely disappointed in the “helpless attitude†expressed by so many of the people that are victims of this discrimination. We are not helpless victims, most of us just lack the conviction it will take to right this wrong. I think many of us believe that men/fathers are not worthy of the equal protection of our laws. In other words, we are our own worst enemy. We need to believe that we are entitled to “equal protection†and demand it accordingly.
Believe it or not, I know exactly how you feel. I can’t tell you there are any “easy choices†because they don’t exist. What does exist is an “out of control†court system that is routinely violating the constitutional rights of “millions†of Americans for profit. I hope there is some consolation in the fact that you are not alone; there are “literally†millions of people in the same boat. I had to come to that realization before I could put my personal circumstances on the back burner and focus on what will end this injustice for everyone involved. For me the choice is “clear†but in no way “easyâ€; I needed to stop helping finance our own destruction.
I hope you don’t do anything stupid. It’s not worth taking your own life or anyone else’s, if you do that then everyone loses, except for the criminals that have “high-jacked†our courts. They don’t care if you commit suicide or murder because there will be plenty more to take your place. They will just take measures to barricade themselves inside their fortresses of “justice†and continue to “rape and pillage†as they see fit. As it is now, all we need to do is “disobeyâ€. If we wait too long, it may take quite a bit more to wrestle justice and freedom from the hands of this domestic enemy.
Anyone that stands in the way of the equal protection of our citizens is a “domestic enemyâ€; I’m sure the Founding Fathers would agree. They knew this could happen and have warned us repeatedly in their writings. They were not concerned that ordinary citizens would cease power; they were worried about the courts and elected officials, which is exactly what has happened. There is a great deal at stake here that is well beyond our “personal tragedyâ€. Please try and understand this and do what is in the best interests of preserving our constitution.
Kevin Merck
“Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it.”
Thomas Paine
19 Randy // Jun 25, 2006 at 2:48 am
I always enjoy what you say Kevin.
I realise I am far from the only one out there.
It helps me to vent on this type of forum.
If others read the experiences from as many as they can along with the comments herein, I believe it helps others to know the dirty tricks that are in play against shared parenting for two fit parents and frequent and continuing contact.
Kind of difficult for me when I live an ocean away 3000 miles one way.
A court decided that this was in the best interest of my son. I live in Hawaii and own my home in a nice safe, quiet, great school a mile away, and I have no traffic on my street. Playing children all around and across the street. Yet it is depressing missing my son and the childhood robbed by the mother with the full force of a “judge”.
The Mother has no job and lives off her parents. I am happily remarried for 5 years.
My son traveled to a concrete jungle in Calif. where it is not safe to go out and play without a constant eye and the need to drive someplace where he can play.
The court without any thought that this seems a bit of a long way to seperate a “family” after divorce by sending (without a trial/we had 50/50 custody then), but Mom said she was “Only going to visit her family for part of the summer” and never came back.
Hid for the required (listen here guys) only “6″ months to change location and CUSTODY by the blessings of the court.
The way it is now …(listen Up) that should any “One” parent (mostly the ex-wife) “disagrees” about anything true or not then all goes to “Mom”. You pay And the brainwashing, PAS, and who knows what, is fed to the child like a slow poison. It’s so sick.
Thanks Kevin for taking the time to write what you do so often. I enjoy reading your comments.
I will not hurt myself or others.
But I will certainly DISOBEY every chance I get when it comes to the system.
I haven’t given up.
I certainly will not kill myself.
I certainly would not kill or harm others.
It is the system and all the wrong that is in it that I want to kill. Not the people themselves, though most of these criminals need to go to jail for the insane “Family Court/Law” which is certainly NOT anything that is family.
It is one of the most cruel experiences I have ever experienced.
This is “America”?
Not the America that I learned about or believed was so great. Not what our country was founded on.
Randy
20 Kevin Merck // Jun 25, 2006 at 2:21 pm
Thanks Randy:
It makes me feel good to know that you get something out of my comments. I wonder sometimes if it’s doing any good, just knowing that there are people out there that enjoy some of my comments means a lot to me. I hope that people out there have decided to stop paying because of something that’s been said. If I have convinced anyone out there to stop paying that would mean a lot to me. I enjoy reading what others have to say as well.
Hang in there. I think we are all going to be okay if we just keep doing whatever we can to increase people’s awareness of the problem and convince as many people as we can, to do “whatever it takesâ€, to stop financing these criminals. We can all get our lives back on track after we deal with this domestic enemy. We can never be compensated monetarily for what they have taken from us, but we can gladly settle for saving future generations from their treachery.
Take care and God bless
Your friend,
Kevin Merck
21 Randy // Jun 27, 2006 at 4:23 am
Keep writing everyone.
The more of us the stronger we get and aparently “the system” didn’t like what they must of read since they investagated a person who wrote his mind which the system turned into “a crime”? (This from the lastest ANCPR News)…
Another father like us who is only pointing out the obvious that many here also have said; “some” poeple will take extreme measures when they feel that nothing is left”.
They’re reading what we all write or the guy wouldn’t have been harrassed.
So write, even if we don’t all agree with everything that is written.
By doing so educates us all to some degree.
It has been said too: “the darkest hour is right before the dawn”.
It is true that if we can’t get any relief in our time, we owe it to the generations to come so “they” hopefully can be saved from the treachery as Kevin has stated.
I certainly can’t get back my sons childhood years taken by evil greedy people who can care less for “the best interest of the child”.
It is now only for the best interest about who pays their paycheck.
Children don’t matter to these criminal idiots.
Randy
22 not2geeky // Jun 27, 2006 at 10:23 pm
I’ve been reading all of this with great interest, so I thought I’d add my 2 cents.
Over a year ago I hired an attorney and was about to start divorce proceedings, when my x found out and went and took out a restraining order. She made the allegation that I was mentally unstable and suicidal, and suicidal to the point that she “feared” that she or the kids could find me dead at any time. Much to my surprise, the judge actually issued the restraining order.
This same judge had previously been reprimanded for mishandling the case of an actual, true to life, mentally unstable and suicidal person. The mishandling of the case caused teh guy to finally crack, and he hanged himself in jail.
Now, what person in their right mind, after already being reprimanded in such a manner, would revoke parental rights and throw out of his home a mentally unstable and suicidal person? What person, in their right mind, would do the things that had the potential to push yet another person over the edge?
And even after I went to court a week later and proced that I wasn’t mentally unstable, nor suicidal, this same judge let the order stand. I lost my kids, my home, and finally my job. It took a miracle just to ge me back on my feet.
Fortunately, my x isnt the smartest cookie in the jar. It took me over a year, but i was able to get 2 seperate confessions out of her, both stating that she had made everything up because a) she only did it to get me out of our house, and b) because if her allegations were to stand, I’d be inelligible for even joint custody. She was feeling pretty confident that she had me beat, so she didn’t mind telling me. And while she was talking, I was recording
One year and 20 days later, we’re in court for the final hearing. My attorney and I walk in with a stack of documentation over a foot high. She has virtually nothing.
Her attorney looks at mine and says, “What’s all that?”
My attorney responds, “Evidence.”
“Evidence of what?”
He begins listing everything, beginning with the recordings. Her attorney’s eyes are literally bulging from his head. The judge walks in, and her attorney asks if he’d mind holding off. He says ok, we say ok. Her attorney asks to see what we have. Mine says, why not?
About 10 minutes later, he’s suddenly suggesting that joint custody would be in order. She almost has a heart attack. He takes her aside, trying to whisper, and tells her that if she fights me, she’ll lose. She asks about the protective order, and he tells her it’s only valid if the allegations are valid.
On that day, my parental rights were finally restored in the form of joint custody, and I finally got my home back.
Now, this is a very condensed version of my actual story. There’s a heckuva lot more to it than this, hence the stack of documentation.
Regardless, my point is this:
If you find yourself going through a divorce, and it turns out it’s going to be messy, and you’re clearly in the right, do whatever it takes. If your x is a slob (mine was) take pictures and get statements saying so. If your x is a heavy gambler (like mine was) get proff. If your x neglects the kids (like mine did) and you were the primary caretaker, get proof. Don’t sit back and listen to some high priced bozo who’s only there to make a buck. Learn the laws, and provide as much documented info that you possibly can. Because believe me, if I had relied on my attorney, I’d be seeing my kids every other weekend and paying child support.
Anything you can do yourself, do it.
23 angelc20 // Jul 1, 2006 at 8:50 am
Based on these sad but real stories, I know there are many fathers out there suffering alone. There are many of us feeling despair, unmanly and helpless. We have all spent lots of money fighting but not winning anything. The judges do not see that court appearances are not in the best interest of the kids, do they? The lawyers do not see that either. We all have unpleasant horror stories but we are not doing anything effective to change the laws. The women have. They have bitched and complained for years and finally Bill Clinton signed laws that are now being used against us.
We men have built this nation. We have built the buildings, the institutions and made progress in many things but we have neglected our kids. We have allowed these anti-male laws to be passed. It is up to each and everyone of us to change these laws.We need to call Rush Limbau, O”reily, Shawn Kennedy and all the other guys on the radio to complain and to get the message out there. We need to create a slogan about “Dead Beat Moms”. We need to go visit our representatvives in their office and pressure them to change the laws. It is better to pay off our legislatures in form of re-election funds than to pay the lawyers and -ex-spouse. Making campaign contributions can be more effective than paying lawyers $200-$400 an hour to fight a loosing battle in pre-determined outcome in courts.
We need to organize all these splinter groups that want to help fathers but rarely do anything.
We need to have a national “father’s day protest” on Fathers’ Days each year. If there is one of us that is bold and wants to rise up from the ranks to lead us into an army of effective political force, I am ready and willing to enlist and to follow. I will fight to destroy this corrupt system and work to create a joint shared aperenting and support plan. I will eliminate all alimony. I will fight to get these unfit mothers to work and provide equal financial support for the kids.
In the meantime guys, I urge all of you to get a vasectimy and not make any more kids or ever consider getting married. Marriage is a big liability for men. Do not get sucked into marriage ever again. Do not do it, until the current laws get changed. Just fxxx and leave them or keep them but do not Marry them.
Let us Unite into a strong political army and change these laws.
There is a symposioum coming up in September In Washington DC area or Virginia that all should attend and show support and unity. Please, men make an effort to attend. The more the better. In Unity there is strenght.
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